I'm raking it in!
Money money moneyA lot of people hate me but I don't care, because the people who love me will happily cough up $100,000 for me to ramble on at whatever speaking engagement they can dream up. In fact,...
View ArticleVanity is dumb! Girls should catch fish!
I decide who does what with their lifeYou know me, I love policing everyone else's life. Whether I'm telling the children of random strangers that they should eat more cupcakes and less broccoli, or...
View ArticleBlack people, stop playing the race card!
White people: keep playing the race card.This year I want to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day by saying something super racist: people should stop playing the race card. And by "people" I mean...
View ArticleGotta remind you, I hate gay people!
I'll take any opportunity to mention itYou might have heard about the big ruckus down in Atlanta, with a big snowstorm bringing the city to a grinding halt. I guess people are blaming the governor. I...
View ArticleHmm, how can I bring people down before the Super Bowl?
Wait, I've got it!Everyone gets so excited for the Super Bowl every year. And you know how much I insist on being a contrarian (despite the people who say I shouldn't) (maybe because of them) (I get...
View ArticleSo I'm 50 now lol
What's in store for my next half century?I celebrated my birthday last week in case you missed it. Didn't really make a lot of fanfare about it, unlike everything else that happens in my life. I only...
View ArticleOutrage is my favorite ice cream flavor
I eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinnerSometimes it's hard to get outraged about stuff, which is tough, since my whole entire public persona - nay, my career as a whole - is built on the platform of...
View ArticleNeener neener, I told ya so!
I love it when I'm rightBoy howdy, there is nothing better than being right. Even if it takes six years and it was just some random thing you said, it still fills my heart with joy when I turn out to...
View ArticleI wouldn't say never!
I'd never say never!That lovely and charming woman Greta Van Susteren asked me if I was going to run for president in 2016, and I'm not saying never! I never say never. Because saying never means...
View ArticleFeminists suck lol
I'm not a feminist - I think women should be equalI would never call myself a feminist. I'm not a feminist! I think that women are equal to men, and that we deserve the same respect, and are able to...
View ArticleI'm raking it in!
Money money moneyA lot of people hate me but I don't care, because the people who love me will happily cough up $100,000 for me to ramble on at whatever speaking engagement they can dream up. In fact,...
View ArticleVanity is dumb! Girls should catch fish!
I decide who does what with their lifeYou know me, I love policing everyone else's life. Whether I'm telling the children of random strangers that they should eat more cupcakes and less broccoli, or...
View ArticleBlack people, stop playing the race card!
White people: keep playing the race card.This year I want to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day by saying something super racist: people should stop playing the race card. And by "people" I mean...
View ArticleGotta remind you, I hate gay people!
I'll take any opportunity to mention itYou might have heard about the big ruckus down in Atlanta, with a big snowstorm bringing the city to a grinding halt. I guess people are blaming the governor. I...
View ArticleHmm, how can I bring people down before the Super Bowl?
Wait, I've got it!Everyone gets so excited for the Super Bowl every year. And you know how much I insist on being a contrarian (despite the people who say I shouldn't) (maybe because of them) (I get...
View ArticleSo I'm 50 now lol
What's in store for my next half century?I celebrated my birthday last week in case you missed it. Didn't really make a lot of fanfare about it, unlike everything else that happens in my life. I only...
View ArticleOutrage is my favorite ice cream flavor
I eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinnerSometimes it's hard to get outraged about stuff, which is tough, since my whole entire public persona - nay, my career as a whole - is built on the platform of...
View ArticleNeener neener, I told ya so!
I love it when I'm rightBoy howdy, there is nothing better than being right. Even if it takes six years and it was just some random thing you said, it still fills my heart with joy when I turn out to...
View ArticleI wouldn't say never!
I'd never say never!That lovely and charming woman Greta Van Susteren asked me if I was going to run for president in 2016, and I'm not saying never! I never say never. Because saying never means...
View ArticleFeminists suck lol
I'm not a feminist - I think women should be equalI would never call myself a feminist. I'm not a feminist! I think that women are equal to men, and that we deserve the same respect, and are able to...
View Article